Baby, you're a firework

Most of the firework stands around here were shut down this year, because of the fire danger. And when I say "around here," I mean the ones that are 20-30 minutes away, in the rural counties, since in the city fireworks are technically illegal (for more "technically illegal" fireworks fun, go here). We usually go to the one by the farm and get about $20 worth, set off a few, and save the rest for "later." Except later only comes around once every few years, so we pretty much just have a big stash that sits in my closet. Occasionally we’ll get bored and decide to shoot a few off. Of course, we have the old favorites like roman candles and fountains and spinners and whatever, but every once in awhile we try something new.

You know how firework stands always have those specials - buy 10, get 10 free, or buy 2 boxes of these cool things and get 2 boxes of things we can’t get rid of? So one year I did that, and I ended up with 2 boxes of...some kind of missile. I say 2 boxes, but they were really just 2 individual fireworks. I mean, you couldn’t just pull one out and light it, you had to light the box, and there were like 16 or 20 missile-looking things in there. It didn’t really say what they did, and we figured it was just a bunch of loud poppers, like lighting a bunch of M80s. (I know, the "missile" shape really should have tipped us off, but it didn’t. Shut up.) Loud popping is sort of boring unless you’re trying to scare someone, so these sat in the bag for a few years before we were bored enough to try them.

My husband and I each took a box out front, and figured we’d light them in the middle of the street, which was pretty deserted in terms of traffic, in case there were any sparks that might land on a roof or yard. I had grabbed the aim-n-flame on the way out, so he told me to go ahead & light mine first. It was a short fuse, maybe an inch and a half or so, so I lit it and backed up pretty quickly. When it got to the box, there was a loud POP, pretty much like we’d thought, but then something launched way up in the air with the loudest WHHEEEEE you ever heard. Then another pop, whistle, then another.

Shit.

I turned around to ask my husband what I should do (like there’s much I COULD do at that point), and he’s not there. In fact, he has taken his box of missiles and headed back to the house, where he’s hovering just at the door, in case anyone starts coming out looking like they’re going to call the cops. I don’t feel like I can just leave, with this thing sending up anti-aircraft from the middle of the street where anyone could run over it, so I have to stand there, while all 20 of those things, one after another, launch with a bang and a whistle. Meanwhile, SOMEONE is up on the porch practically peeing his pants with laughter at the fact that I’m about to set someone’s roof on fire or get arrested.

As soon as it was over, I grabbed the box and hustled inside. No one ever said anything, but I think we threw the other one away. I’m sticking to sparklers from now on. Oh, wait - I have a story about them too.