Get thee behind me, salsa

I have a theory: The United States would not have a problem with obesity if it weren't for all the Mexicans* bringing their damn delicious food here for all of us to love and crave. That's the real problem with immigration - not whether it's legal or illegal, but whether it is bringing healthy, low fat food like broccoli and lettuce, not mouth-watering calorie festivals like rice and guacamole. And sauces. And corn-based everything. And CHEESE; dear God, the cheese. Queso enchiladas. Chips and queso. Tortilla soup topped with queso. Queso chile rellenos. Queso on tacos, fajitas, burritos, salads... DO YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?!

I think it's a plot. Get the country addicted to your fabulous fatty food, and then reclaim Texas and California. I'm on to you, Mexico! Killing us with kindness, giving us exactly what we want with your tamales and sopapillas. It's like the War on Drugs, except much more subtle. It's the War on Dinner. And come to think of it, it's not just Mexico. I'm not forgetting you Italy, with your pizza and pasta and gelato. Germany, you need to answer for your weinerschnitzel and potato pancakes. China, stop sending fried rice and egg rolls to tempt us at every turn. And England! What about that...um, OK, well there's....HA! Scones. Those are like stale muffins, right? So they're probably bad for you. And Cadbury! They're English - chocolate all the way. So, yeah. No more War on Terror - from now on, it's a war on taquitos! It must be against the Geneva Convention to give someone something they have no defense against. And I'm totally lodging a complaint with the UN. Right after I finish this chimichanga.

*In case you are completely unfamiliar with humor/sarcasm/satire, no immigrants were harmed in the making of this blog post. Nor do I have anything against Mexicans, Italians, Germans, Chinese, English, or any other nationality, race, religion, ethnicity, sexual orientation or identity. My grandparents were immigrants, and I have immense respect for people who are willing to give up life as they've known it to start over in a new place, whether they are moving to or from America. It's a JOKE. Because it's easier to blame other people for my weakness than voluntarily eat broccoli and lettuce. Don't judge me.

Don't do crack

Recently our bus service has decided that drivers can refuse to allow people on the bus if they’re sagging. It’s interesting the mixed reaction they got for this policy. Some people think it’s a good thing, because they are tired of seeing people’s underwear (or worse). Others (mostly the saggers) think it’s a big deal about nothing. Recently, a pro athlete in our area even got into trouble with the police because he was sagging to the point that his crack was showing at an upscale mall.

I don’t really like sagging; I think it looks silly for a lot of reasons. Like:

The people that go around holding their crotch to keep their pants on. Sorry, but you look like a three year old who needs to make wee-wee.

The guys waddling down the street with the crotch of their pants at the knees. If they needed to get somewhere in a hurry, they’d have a problem. On the other hand, they could win a Darwin Award if they get caught in a burning building dressed like that.

What’s the point of layering three different bottoms (boxers/underwear, basketball shorts, then pants)? You’re so bottom heavy you look like it’s time for a changing.

There are fat guys out there that need those pants. STOP BUYING THEIR CLOTHES. It forces them into smaller, less appropriate options.

On the other hand, if they’re going to pick on the guys for showing crack/underwear, they need to give equal time to these little hoochies that have their thong sticking out over their low-rise jeans or their butt cheeks hanging out of their (size 16) Daisy Dukes. No one wants to see that trash!

And finally, what’s up with waitstaff suddenly sticking the check folder into the back of their pants? If it was tucked into their back pocket or held on by their apron string, I wouldn’t have such a problem, but it’s actually IN their pants. Which means there is a good chance that when they pull it out, it has their butt sweat on it. That’s just unsanitary. This is why I’m addicted to anti-bac (and restaurants that have pockets in the aprons of their wait staff).