Senile Citizens

"I used to do drugs. I mean, I still do, but I used to too." - Mitch Hedberg

I used to have a problem with Old People. I still do, but what defines "old" has changed. I think now it's more based on actions and attitude than age. I've seen 28 year olds just as bitter and crotchety as any WWII vet. (ADD kicks in: I love the word "crotchety." It's so uncomfortable and inappropriate, which is perfect given its use.) I once asked my husband's grandmother how old she felt - keep in mind she was in her 80s at the time - and she said 16. She acted like it too - out there picking up pecans, making jelly out of home-grown grapes, attending every church event, and she and Grandad went everywhere together. That's the kind of Old Person I want to be.

Weren't they adorable? They were like this the entire 67 years they were married - adventurous and in love.

But mainly, my issues with Old People stem from two things. The first one is driving.

WHY DO THEY HAVE TO DRIVE 45 MPH? ON THE HIGHWAY? Or, if they're my in-laws, 30 on the side streets (because they won't drive on the highways. Which means going anywhere takes twice as long as it should). With two feet, so the damn brake lights are always on. Or slow down half a mile before they make a turn? I totally don't understand it - they theoretically don't have that long to live, so they should want to get where they're going, get done, and move on! You know how there are those special HOV lanes for people that carpool? I'm thinking they need a special OPV lane, for Old People's Vehicles. Then they can peer over their steering wheels, drive 20 MPH below the speed limit and leave their blinkers on to their hearts' content. The only people who will care are other oldsters, who are stuck behind them. And truthfully they probably won't even notice, because they can't see farther than their steering wheel, because (at least in my state) they renewed their DL by mail despite the fact that they're 88 years old.

My second issue with Old People is Senior Citizen Discounts.

I'm sure I'm going to catch a lot of flack for this, but here's the thing: they've had their whole lives to save up. I get that a lot of them are on fixed incomes and social security is smaller than a dwarf's winkie in a winter storm, but that's what all those IRAs and other tax shelters are for. They can't get money out of them until they're old anyway, so now that they are old, they should take advantage of that! What are they waiting for? Saving it for the day when they're a little older, but then they up and die before they ever use it, and all that's left is for the kids to fight over who gets what. They EARNED that money; they should SPEND it! The people that REALLY deserve discounts are college students. Have you seen the price of a college degree lately? It's really a poor -- OK; that's another post. My point is, a lot of people struggle while they're paying for school, even if their parents help out (which fewer and fewer parents are able to do). I know some places offer student discounts, but they don't hold a candle to what the Ancients get. How about, instead of rewarding a group for eating dinner at 4 PM (seriously? Just move to England and call it Tea), give kids a discount for their meal after 10 (when serious Eating starts). Or, take the National Parks Pass: for $10, anyone 62 and over can get into any national park for free. With their spouse and kids. Plus 50% off fees like camping, etc. But how many of them are really getting out there and exploring the wilderness? Or if they are, they're driving those bus-sized RVs, which...see above re: Old People driving. College students, however, are naturals at camping, hiking, and communing with nature. Why should they have to pay $75/year when they are a demographic that would take more advantage of those resources? Plus, it would encourage foreign students to visit! Other countries have all kinds of deals for traveling students. Come on America! You're behind the times!

So, those are my main issues with Old People. I'm sure as I age, my thinking will evolve. But I hope when I reach Old Age (whatever age that might be), I remember to stay off the roads and pick up the tab for a starving student every once in a while. If I can also remember my name and where I live, I think I'll be doing pretty well.